Life Actually By Kari Kampakis: Talking to your daughter about ‘mean girls’
Great attention is paid these days to the subject of “mean girls.”
People talk as if girls have the monopoly on being mean, but I hear stories about boys that are worse than mean girl saga. What we have is not a gender issue, but a societal issue.
In short, we live in a mean age. We have a culture shaping our children that is darker, more narcissisti, and less empathetic than the culture that shaped us.
So how do you discuss this subject? How do you help your daughter view hurtful people through a healthy lens? Here are eight talking points.
1. Girls act mean because it gives them a sense of power and importance.
T.S. Eliot said, “Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don’t mean to do harm — but the harm does not interest them. Or they do not see it, or they justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves.”
While some girls intentionally act mean, many girls don’t realize how much hurt they’ve caused. They have no idea, until it happens to them, how painful words and actions can be. Often when someone is hurtful, it is because they’re looking out for themselves and microscopically focused on their life. They are on a power trip driven by motives, self-focus or a sense of superiority.
2. Most people are decent and want to do the right thing. But in any environment, you’ll have bad apples.
You’ll have people who can mistreat others and not feel guilty because their conscience is numb and they don’t have God in their heart.
A former high school principal used to tell his children: It only takes one bad apple to spoil the bunch. In short, it only takes one truly mean person — a ringleader — to turn a good thing around and ruin an environment for everyone.
A ringleader mean girl expects blind obedience, and to stay in her graces, her followers must do what she says. So when a group of girls gang up on an individual, it’s usually the ringleader who made the call. Sadly, targeting and uniting against one person is bonding for a group. It creates a common enemy or goal.
Most kids and teens can’t think beyond five years into the future, so give your daughter a long-term perspective. Remind her how her classmates will always remember the way she treats them. Thirty years from now, when her name comes up in conversation, they’ll either remember her with a smile on their face or a pit in their stomach. They’ll either be so glad they knew her — or so glad they never have to see her again.
Anyone with a conscience will regret being the mean girl, but they’ll never regret being the kind one.
3. Some mean girls will change.
They’ll grow up and realize how awful they were. They’ll feel deep remorse and wish they could erase the pain they caused. They may even apologize.
On the other hand, some mean girls will never change. Instead, they’ll grow up, get married, raise mean daughters and sons, and become one big, mean terrorizing family. It’s sad when the cycle repeats itself, but it happens. It’s best to understand this reality and distance yourself from hurtful people.
4. Mean girls get what they have coming.
They bring on their own demise. Give it time, and people will gain the confidence to stand up to them or quit giving them attention. Many followers will jump ship as they get burned and seek real friends. Sooner or later, a mean girl’s behavior will catch up with her, especially as she makes the wrong person mad.
5. What comes out of a mean girl’s mouth reflects her heart.
How she talks to others is how she talks to herself. Imagine living with that critical spirit. Imagine being stuck in a mental prison, 24/7, with no escape.
It is impossible to act mean and feel good because God designed us in His image. We’re made to reflect His goodness, and when we don’t, it stirs up discontent. A mean girl’s mind is a terrible place to be, and as your daughter imagines the thoughts and insecurities she probably wrestles with, she’ll start to understand why the hardest people to love are the ones who need love most.
6. Mean girls can make you bitter or better.
Some of the kindest souls on this planet became kind because they were hurt, and they made a promise to never treat anyone the way they were treated.
The worst people offer the best example of how not to act, so help your daughter learn from their mistakes. Remind her how she can’t force anyone else to be kind, but she can hold herself to that standard, and in doing so, she’ll find peace, freedom and intimacy with God.
7. Instead of hating mean girls, pray for them.
Ask God to soften their hearts and open their eyes. Through Christ all things are possible, and Scripture has countless stories to prove it.
In Saint Paul, we see the ultimate transformation. Paul was a zealous murderer of Christians until God opened his eyes to the evil he was doing and brought him to his knees in remorse. Once Paul had a change of heart, he became unstoppable in spreading the Gospel and talking about the mercy he’d experienced firsthand. The fact that God used Paul, the most obvious sinner, to write more than half the New Testament reminds us that nobody is beyond redemption.
Regardless of the past, the future can be different, so have your daughter pray for God to work in the hearts of hurtful people. Remind her that God hears her prayers, and though He may not answer them the way she hopes, He will work all things together for good for those who love Him.
8. Have faith in humanity, despite the bad apples you meet.
Girls often give up on friendship — or write off girls completely — after having mean girl experiences. This is a mistake, because in every season, we need real friends, real love and real connection.
When your daughter gets hurt or blindsided, help her stay strong, be patient, and do the right thing. Remind her that God rewards faithfulness, and as she works on being a good friend, He’ll bring girls into her life she can count on and trust.
We’ve all acted mean out of ignorance or arrogance. It takes strength and help from God to be kind and to apologize when we are not.
Clearly, some mean girl behavior is more devastating than others. The pain is real, and when your daughter faces it, she needs extra love, compassion, and support. She also needs the hope of Christ — who heals broken hearts, changes hearts of stone, and uses for good what humans intended for harm.
Our world can be cruel, but we can channel our energy into positive relationships. We can wish the best for people and trust God with the future. Most of all, we can focus on things with eternal value and infuse good into a world that desperately needs more kindness, love, and light.
Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Birmingham-area mom of four girls, author, speaker and blogger. Her new book for moms, “Love Her Well: 10 Ways to Find Joy and Connection with Your Teenage Daughter,” is now available on Amazon, Audible and everywhere books are sold. Kari’s two books for teen and tween girls — “Liked” and “10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know” — have been used widely across the country for small group studies. Join Kari on Facebook and Instagram, visit her blog at karikampakis.com or find her on the “Girl Mom” podcast.