Life Actually: Impact teenagers by speaking life
I have a confession: If I had to choose one audience to write for — adults or teenagers — I would choose teenagers.
Why? Because they’re easier to influence. They are moldable in ways that adults are not.
I first discovered this while writing an article on teen depression. At the time, I was blogging for parents, but during my interview with the doctor, she made a remark that stirred in me a desire to help a younger audience.
“The reason I love working with children and teenagers,” she said, “is because they’re so resilient. You can change the whole trajectory of their life. Early intervention is key. It’s a lot easier to intervene effectively when they’re young instead of years later, when they’ve been depressed so long the illness becomes incorporated into part of their identity.”
In short, adults are hard to change. We are more set in our ways, our beliefs and our mindsets. Children, on the other hand, are still forming their identities and mindsets. They are what parenting expert Haim Ginott once called “wet cement.”
Right now, if you are raising or influencing teenagers, you have a window of opportunity that won’t always exist. Their concrete is still wet; their hearts and minds are still open. They are being deeply influenced by the people they know, the words they hear and the events that shape them.
As they grow up, their cement will harden. Their early impressions will solidify and set the stage for their self-perception and worldview.
In Ephesians 4:15, God tells us to speak the truth in love. In Proverbs 18:21, He says the tongue has the power of life and death. But what does this mean? How do we disciple and discipline adolescents — who can be very challenging at times — in a way that builds their spirit, not breaks their spirit?
I believe the starting point is to have God’s spirit inside us. His spirit enables us to hear Him, reflect Him, control knee-jerk reactions and recognize godly guidance when we see it. I’m as guilty as anyone in blurting out the first thoughts that come to mind, and rarely does that work out. My best moments of clarity often come from watching and listening to other adults who speak the truth in love well and learning from their example.
Donald Miller once said: “Nobody will listen to you unless they sense that you like them.” What widens the disconnect between adults and teenagers is when we try to give lessons, advice or lectures without love. It doesn’t resonate. It won’t speak their heart. Only when they sense that we care and genuinely like them do we have a shot at getting through.
Following is a short list phrases I’ve heard over the years that I believe speak life to teenagers:
► “How can I pray for you this week?”
► “You can do hard things. I believe in you.”
► “You are a gift. Know your worth and never settle for a bad relationship.”
► “I love you, and nothing you do or tell me can make you lose my love.”
► “Thank you for making good choices. I know it’s not easy.”
► “I’m so thankful God chose me as your mom. I’d take a hundred kids like you.”
► “Don’t ever give up on yourself or God. He has a great plan for your life.”
► “You are enough. You have nothing to prove.”
► “Do your best — and leave the results to God.”
► “Make it your goal to bless people, not impress people.”
► “Make good choices.”
► “My life is an open book, if there is anything I can share that might help you, I will. I want you to learn from my mistakes.”
► “You are too smart to be making bad choices. That isn’t who you are or who you’re going to be. I’m very upset and disappointed about what you did, but I still love you.”
► “This mistake is part of your story, not the end of your story.”
► “How did you feel after making that choice? What would you do differently next time?”
► “I get it. I get stressed out/jealous/sad/angry, too.”
There are many adults in this world who don’t like teenagers. Some of them work with teenagers, which always baffles me.
What they don’t realize is the opportunity they’re missing. By simply speaking an encouraging word, seeing their good, pointing out a strength and helping them see themselves in a positive light, they could change the entire trajectory of a teenager’s life.
If that doesn’t give purpose to somebody’s life, I don’t know what does.
Kindness is essential for the truth to be accepted. And if we really want to impact the next generation — or any human, for that matter — we should think about the way we approach them, and whether they sense our genuine love before a word is ever spoken.
Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Birmingham area mom of four girls, columnist and blogger for The Huffington Post. Her two books for teen and tween girls — “Liked: Whose Approval Are You Living For?” and “10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know” — are available on Amazon and everywhere books are sold. Join her Facebook community at “Kari Kampakis, Writer,” visit her blog at karikampakis.com or contact her at kari@karikampakis.com.