A dilemma

Jane sat at a corner table of a coffee shop with her friend Maggie. It was a typical Tuesday morning, the two of them enjoying a cup of high-dollar java as a prelude to a morning of errands before the youngest kids had to be picked up from childcare. Jane noticed that her friend of four years seemed more than usually distracted this morning.

“What’s up?” she asked.

“Darryl.” Darryl was Maggie’s husband of nine years.

“He okay? He’s not sick is he?”

“No, he’s fine,” replied Maggie. “Actually, it’s something he didn’t do.”

That caught Jane off-guard. “Whoa. There’s something Darryl didn’t do? He’s like super dad, super husband and super businessman all wrapped into one. He’s the most sensitive man I know.”

Maggie struggled to find the right words. “My husband is a wonderful man — no denying it. It’s just that,sometimes he’s so sensitive that he’s not aware.”

Jane tilted her head to the side and gave Maggie the I-don’t-get-it eyebrow arch.

Maggie grinned. “Don’t give me that look. Darryl is really sensitive to the needs of the kids and to me personally, but sometimes, a lot of times, he misses what needs to be done dayin, day-out practically.”

“And you’re complaining? Most wives would kill for an ounce of Darryl’s sensitivity.”

“I know. I feel so guilty for even thinking this.” Maggie sighed again. “This may not

make sense, but what I feel like I’m missing is a partner. Okay, before you go all eyebrow on me again, yes, I know, Darryl is sensitive and a dream. But it is on me to keep everything, or so it feels, from falling through the cracks.”

“Practically?”

“Practically.”

“For instance?"

“For instance, yesterday was Darryl’s day with the boys. He picks up the younger two from childcare, they play, waiting for Cole to get home, and then they play more. Cole usually has homework. It doesn’t take long, but Darryl never, and I do not exaggerate here, never checks the folder for Cole’s homework. I got home late last night, too tired to think about anything. This morning, as I’m cleaning up the kitchen from last night, and right before Cole is about to leave for school, he says he didn’t do his homework. So it’s a mad scramble to get it done. I drop what I’m doing; Darryl leaves because he has a meeting and can’t be late, I help Cole finish, interrupt the other two boys’ breakfast to take Cole to school, mad dash home to get them finished with breakfast, dressed and out the door. Kitchen is left a mess, I don’t get to shower. I meet you here. Then shopping, which if it doesn’t get done means it’s another week and we have nothing to eat for the next few days. And this happens all the time. I know details are not Darryl’s strength, they’re mine; but good grief, do the details of daily life all have to fall on me? Is it too much to ask for a little attention to the details to do the practical matters together?”

Maggie sighed again. She took a sip of her coffee, then turned to stare out the window. Jane sighed too, and then reached her hand across the table to take Maggie’s in hers. Maggie looked down at their hands, then lifted her head to see Jane smiling at her. Now it was Maggie’s turn to give the I-don’t-get-it eyebrow arch.

Jane squeezed Maggie’s hand, looked her in the eye, and said, “No, it’s not too much to ask.”

Maggie smiled. “Then let me ask this: how?”

Great question. This year we will attempt to answer that question: How can any couple turn their roles of parenting and marriage into a partnership, a partnership of practicalities as well as matters of the heart? Stay tuned, and if you get antsy, give me a call. We can get to work immediately.

Paul Johnson is a professionally licensed marriage and family therapist. You may reach him at 807-6645 or paul@samaritancc.org.