Not in a vacuum

Let us start this article with a question that will ensure this article will pull you in, make you feel good about yourself and make you want to read more. Ready? How is that New Year’s resolution going? 

If you are reading this line, I’m amazed and glad. Either you are still hanging in there with what you resolved or didn’t make any resolutions. 

I am going to assume that you, faithful reader, made some type of resolution, even a small one, and that either you are still working at it or that it went by the wayside sometime in mid-January. So now I will ask: How long will it last? How long did it last? How’s it going/what happened?

You see, willpower only lasts for so long. And that’s important to note because that is most often the fuel being used for the engine of resolutions. And most of the time it’s negative willpower being used: “I’m just not going to do x-y-z anymore!” Sometimes we use positive willpower (“I’m going to do x-y-z this year/for the rest of my life”), but mostly for resolutions we use some form of “Never again!”

And it lasts through mid-January, sometimes late February, so for many of you, the end is near.

 “What is the problem? Why is it like this every time? Why can’t I simply do what I said I was going to do until the goal is reached or the result is achieved?” (Actually, some do, and they wind up in commercials for Subway or SlimFast. But for most of us, the failure falls into the stockpile of misery that convinces us we are weak and can never do anything, so pass the chocolate)

Well, not so fast my friend. Hang on there one second. Put the truffle down, back away and take a slow, deep breath.

The problem with negative willpower is that it creates a vacuum. And nothing can exist in a vacuum (sorry, didn’t mean to yell). There is an inherent problem with “I’ll just stop” because once you say that and do that but don’t do anything else, you have created a vacuum, which lasts for, umm, 12 seconds. 

A stop behavior needs a start behavior to fill the void. For example, you might say, “I’ll just stop eating so much,” or “I’ll just stop gossiping,” or “I’ll just won’t feel or think that way anymore.” Sorry, if you don’t replace what you just stopped doing, you won’t be stopping-doing that for very long. Instead, try not just stopping gossiping but starting to think and say positive things about someone, or going to them and saying, “I heard x-y-z; is that so? How can I help?” (covenant community is great start behaviors).

Or rather than just not eating so much, start chewing slower, savoring more each bite, taking more walks, breathing more deep breaths, drinking more water (especially the water — it fills up the belly and stops the cravings). 

Taking away something only works if you replace it with something. You will be taking positive steps in fulfilling your resolution by replacing it with something helpful, healthy or wholesome. Yes, one chocolate can be healthy—but just one.

Nothing exists in a vacuum because in a vacuum there is no oxygen. Oxygen is slightly necessary for living things. Renew your resolution by giving it some oxygen by partnering a start behavior with the stop. Go on and give it a try — it’s only February.

Paul Johnson is a professionally licensed marriage and family therapist, a professionally licensed counselor and a nationally certified counselor. You may reach him at 807-6645 or paul@lifepractical.org. His office is in Greystone Centre on U.S. 280.