Partnering

If you recall, in our last article we met Maggie and Jane. Maggie was struggling, for she felt alone in a place where she felt she shouldn’t be alone, and shouldn’t admit she was alone — in her home. Maggie, in the eyes of many of her friends, had an ideal husband and father to their children. He was loving, caring and attentive to the family needs, yet as Maggie exclaimed, she felt something was missing, perhaps a level in their relationship that escaped both hers and his awareness.

She noted, and then asked: “I know details are not Darryl’s strength, they’re mine. But good grief, do the details of daily life all have to fall on me? Is it too much to ask for a little attention to the details and to do the practical matters of us and our family together?”

Jane, in a moment of understanding and compassion, took Maggie’s hand in her own and replied, “No, no it is not” (too much to ask).

The key word in Maggie’s question is “together.” The key words not said are “for me.” Maggie is not asking for anything selfish. She is asking for something ideal, something subtly expected in our vows of “I do” and in our agreements to take on certain responsibilities such as child raising. She is asking for partnership. She is asking how she and her husband could turn their roles of parenting and marriage into a partnership, a partnership of practicalities as well as matters of the heart.

A partnership, according to dictionary.com (sorry, Webster), is “a contractual relationship between two or more persons carrying on a joint business venture with a view to profit, each incurring liability for losses and the right to share in the profit.” A business partnership can be quite difficult. Sometimes we are more comfortable being told by someone in charge what to do, when to do it, when to show up and when we can go home. It takes effort to be one of the ones in charge, making decisions and doing so equally with another. We open ourselves up to disappointment when our expectations are not met. We feel we are carrying the bulk of the load or guilty if we feel the other is. Often we lose motivation or interest or find it difficult to talk or communicate, to be truthful yet affirming with one another. We think, “Just let me do what I do best, and then go home.” A partnership requires a great deal of personal diligence, attention and awareness. It takes effort. It requires presence, thinking, follow-up and adaptation. In short, it is work even when the work is done because the goal is something bigger.

Ok, the previous definition is a little too business-y to leave it that way, so let’s reword it. Let us say that a partnership, for our home and family purposes, is a consensual and covenantal relationship between spouses carrying on a joint family venture with a view to having impact, both personally and communally, each flexibly playing an agreed upon role but sharing mutually in the meeting of responsibilities, and enjoying mutually the moments of fulfillment in the family and home.

But how do we get there?

To be continued...

Paul Johnson is a professionally licensed marriage and family therapist and professionally licensed counselor at the Samaritan Counseling Center, whose main office is located at 100 Missionary Ridge, Birmingham, 35242. You may reach him at 807-6645, or at paul@samaritancc.org.