Sundown wrath, sunrise joy

Last summer I wrote an article titled “Pulling the Sheets off Anger” about not going to bed angry and how to avoid doing so. I have had that discussion with many people but have also added more. Agreeing not to go to bed angry and agreeing not to wait until bedtime to discuss sensitive matters is a helpful and wise strategy, but emotions being what they are and human beings who they are, sundown wrath often occurs. Have hope; there is still something that can be done.

Many have interpreted the Bible verse, “Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath” to mean, “Don’t go to bed angry,” and thus, have tried to work out a disagreement before going to sleep, often working into the wee hours of the morning and usually reaching no resolution. They usually stop from sheer exhaustion, with one party giving in to “make the peace” and ending up angrier for having to settle, give in, over-compromise, for the sake of peace and sleep. News flash: that’s still going to bed angry, at least the spirit of it.

I have a friend/mentor who shared with me a great alternative interpretation. He told me that instead of trying to talk your way to resolution that night, take a collective deep breath (one, two, perhaps a third). Then take a collective time out, realizing that fatigue is a participant in the current argument and can only serve to hinder not help. Set an appointment the next day or in the near future when both of you are rested, relaxed, and unhurried to resume the “discussion of alternative viewpoints.”

Next, take another collective deep breath (one, two, perhaps a third). Then, and this is the important part (part 1): resume your regular nightly getting-ready-for-bed-routine! When the feeling of anxiety or fear or anger starts to creep in, take a breath; regulate as you work your routine (brush teeth, wash face, put on pajamas). And then get in bed, breathing deep in order to relax and ready yourself for sleep.

And here’s the really important part, part 2: touch! Any old (or young or middle age) body parts will do: hand to arm, foot to calf, tush to tush, anything that is somehow flesh to flesh. If you are emotionally regulated enough (calm) and you can spoon, go for it. It does not matter how, just that you do: touch!

What happens is that trace amounts of the neurohormone called oxytocin are released into your system. This chemical increases your feeling of well-being and connection to the other person. While you are resting, your body starts to move you in the direction of resolution by creating the sense that you are together and connected and on the same team though not necessarily on the same page yet. So, when you awake, you are not only refreshed of body but also refreshed and united of spirit, ready to tackle the discussion of alternative viewpoints, but from what seems like the same side of the bargaining table, rather than the opposite. The potential for sundown wrath is transformed into the potential for sunrise joy.

Besides, a discussion is much more likely (and an argument less likely) when you are both holding a nice warm cup of morning java between your hands. And if the discussion of alternative viewpoints starts to move in the direction of heated argument, let go of your coffees with one hand, join them and let oxytocin start to work its wonder again.

Paul Johnson is a professionally licensed marriage and family therapist, professionally licensed counselor and nationally certified counselor. You may reach him at 807-6645 or lifepracticalcounseling@gmail.com. His office is in Greystone Centre on U.S. 280.