U.S. 280 family creates family with open adoption
Caleb Nolan’s birth parents never had to say goodbye.
It’s been four years since Kelley* and Alex* gave him up for adoption, but they are still a part of his extended family. They stood with his adoptive parents, Samantha and Ken Nolan, at his christening, and Caleb will be the ring bearer Kelley and Alex’s wedding.
Each of their visits with him ends with the same words: “See you next time.” The Nolans wouldn’t have it any other way.
“They’ve been a part of Caleb’s life from the beginning, and it’s very important to us for Caleb to know that he is adopted, to know [Alex and Kelley] are his parents and that we are his parents,” Samantha said. “We want him to know how much Kelley and Alex loved him to do what they did, and that it brought such great love into mine and Ken’s life as well.”
Choosing an open adoption
When Chelsea residents Samantha and Ken decided to adopt, they created an anonymous profile filled with pictures of themselves, a list of hobbies and beliefs and other general information. They also listed that they would be willing to consider an open adoption.
At that point, they thought an open adoption meant they would just have to send pictures once a quarter for the first couple years, and then they could be finished with it. They spent four years waiting before Auburn High School students Kelley and Alex chose the Nolans’ profile.
“It turns out that everything she really liked and wanted was what we were providing,” Samantha said. “She loved that we had [life] experience, that we are settled and that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom.”
Kelley and Samantha began to email back and forth through an anonymous email set up by the adoption organization, and after a while the two felt comfortable texting each other. They met in person when Kelley was about three months pregnant, and Kelley invited the Nolans back to Auburn again for the five-month sonogram.
Ken said it was obvious to him before they had really gotten to know Alex and Kelley that they were good kids, and that they were making an intelligent and mature decision. Kelley’s parents were also very supportive of the adoption, which gave the Nolans comfort throughout the entire process.
“Everybody from my OB/GYN to my best friend to church folks, they say it’s a very high rate of birth moms changing their minds,” Samantha said. “I said, ‘No. I know God, I know Kelley and I have the peace.’ I have never had a peace fall over me about anything more than this adoption, and I was never afraid that she would change her mind.”
Taking the baby home
Kelley called Samantha and Ken a month before her due date, announcing that the baby was coming earlier than expected, so the Nolans raced to Auburn. Samantha stayed in the hospital room trying to be as helpful as possible.
“I was in the room with her and her mom for several hours when she was going through a lot of the pain,” Samantha said. “It was such a personal thing, and I felt like I was somewhat a part of it.”
She helped out by icing Kelley’s feet and fanning her off until it was time for the baby to come, and then Samantha stepped out of the room. She and Ken saw the baby that day, but they didn’t hold him until the next morning. They wanted Kelley to hold the baby as long as she could for as long as she wanted.
The Nolans also insisted that Kelley and Alex keep a birth certificate with the name Kiden on it because it was the name they had chosen for the baby. Then it was time for Samantha and Ken to take Caleb home while Alex and Kelley remained in the hospital room.
“Walking out of the room, even though we knew we would see each other very, very soon, was one of the top three hardest things I have ever done in my life,” Samantha said. “I was shaking so bad from emotion.”
“The door closes and you know this is what’s supposed to happen, but it just felt so wrong,” Ken added. “It was like ‘We’re taking their baby.’ It was just strange.”
Samantha cried half the way home sitting in the backseat with Caleb, knowing that Kelley and Alex’s hearts were breaking. Kelley and Alex still had a window of time to change their minds, but the Nolans never worried.
In her mind and in her heart, Samantha said she knew that she was Caleb’s mom.
Remaining a family
Four years later, and Alex and Kelley are still members of the Nolans’ extended family.
Anytime Caleb does something great, Samantha will send Kelley a message or picture, and anytime Alex and Kelley are in Birmingham, they get together with the Nolans. Just like Alex and Kelley were present for Caleb’s christening, they get see him for his birthday and other special occasions.
“I can’t express how respectful they are and how kind they are,” Samantha said. “They kind of look at us as someone they can trust and talk to. We don’t feel super obligated. We want to. It’s in our heart.”
It’s easy to fear an open adoption or that the birth parents will try to take control, Ken said, but he suggests just considering the idea of an open adoption. They never imagined the relationship they would have with Kelley and Alex, and the mutual relationship is only as far as you want to take it.
“I think for us, the most important thing was that Alex and Kelley know that they can always know their child as their child grows,” Ken said. “They don’t in any way ever try to pretend to be his parents. They just love to see him and see how he’s doing. It’s never even been an issue.”
*Their last names have not been included to maintain their privacy.