Photo courtesy of Susan Vicens.
Ralph Vicens
Ralph Vicens, right, was the main caretaker for his son Koa, left, who has Down syndrome. Koa and his mother, Susan, are still healing after Ralph passed away due to liver cancer in July.
Every time Koa Vicens walks through his living room, he says “Hey, Ralph!” to the urn and pair of sunglasses on the coffee table. This little statement is comforting to his mother, Susan, because it means that Koa understands his father’s passing.
Ralph Vicens played “Mr. Mom” to Koa, who has Down syndrome, since his birth. When doctors were worried about fluid on his newborn son’s lungs, Ralph was in the neonatal unit around the clock until Koa could come home. For the next 18 years, Ralph was there for every milestone, doctor’s appointment and school function.
“He was totally excited that he was going to be part of a child’s life, finally,” Susan remembered, adding that Ralph regretted not being involved with his first son and wanted to do things differently with Koa.
In late April, Ralph was diagnosed with inoperable liver cancer. Doctors said treatment options could give him up to two years. Chelsea High School arranged an early graduation ceremony for Koa and others in his special needs class, to make sure Ralph could see his son wearing his cap and gown.
On a family vacation to Florida in late July, however, Ralph’s health took a turn and he passed away. They were fortunate, Susan said, to have friends nearby to lean on.
“You don’t realize how many people you do have in your life until something like this happens,” she said.
She struggled with explaining what had happened to Koa. On the advice of a hospital therapist, she took her son to all the places they had visited as a family to help him understand that Ralph was no longer there. At Panama City Beach and at her uncle’s house, where they regularly went fishing, Koa would ask where his father was and Susan would gently explain it to him.
When they returned home, Koa didn’t ask anymore — he understood.
They scattered Ralph’s ashes in his favorite places — Hawaii, his favorite fishing spot and in the backyard. The rest of the ashes sit on Susan’s coffee table with seashells and a pair of his sunglasses. Susan got to take time off with Koa and experience life with her son the way Ralph had.
“I’m seeing some of the things that Ralph saw with him and why he had so much joy out of it,” Susan said.
As they settle back into their routine — nursing for Susan, school for Koa — she’s remembering her husband in lots of little moments. She recalls the night they met at a concert in Hawaii and Ralph kept winking at her. They danced all night and looked at Christmas lights in Waikiki, and he asked her to meet his mother the next day.
Susan laughs when she thinks of the way Ralph followed her when she moved from Hawaii to Delaware. He came with an engagement ring, two duffel bags and a picture of Hawaiian King Kamehameha. She said she knew she would marry him the minute he stepped off the plane.
Her favorite memories are of Ralph going on field trips with Koa’s class, and the way he connected with all the children. Many of Koa’s classmates, even ones he hadn’t seen in a few years, showed up to Ralph’s funeral.
“All these children were always, from first grade on, always all over him,” Susan said. “They looked up to him, but he was always one of them.”
After years of time spent together, Koa is “just like his daddy” in many ways. It was most apparent during his junior prom.
“I literally was looking at Ralph. All the mannerisms, all the politeness, the love,” Susan said. “Every single thing on Koa that night, I saw Ralph. I saw the Ralph I saw the night I met him.”
Before Ralph died, he and Susan had a dream of creating a nonprofit center for local children and adults with Down syndrome. Susan said she has begun researching and talking to people about how to make this happen once she retires. She envisions a place with activities, therapy and seasonal events, all designed to give people with Down syndrome a place to learn skills and make friends.
“Some people go travel — I want to hang with the kids,” Susan said. “They’re the sweetest, most awesome children. You learn so much from them every day, and they definitely have the aloha spirit.”
She and Koa are also healing in little ways. With help from friends, Susan is going to empty the room where Ralph stayed during his illness and remake it into a craft room to sew with Koa. She’s incredibly proud of the son that Ralph dedicated his life to raising.
“We’re going to go on with the good,” Susan said. “I feel good, [Koa] feels good. It’s a little lonely, it’s a little weird, but I’m good.”
